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NL: Hi everyone. My name is Natalie Ledwell and this is The Inspiration Show. Today on the show, my special guest is going to be talking about her new book and the new lifestyle that she has created after a bit of a health scare. And her new book is called “Breaking Up With Busy”, which I'm sure all of us will be able to get some kind of fantastic information out of them on the chat today. But before I introduce my special guest, I just want to remind you that once the show is over don't forget to click the link way below this video where you'll be able to download the free ebook version of my best selling book Never In Your Wildest Dreams. So let me introduce my special guest today, Yvonne Tally. How are you, Yvonne?
YT: Good morning. How are you, Natalie? I'm well, thank you.
NL: I'm glad to hear that you're well because I know that that wasn't always the case for you. And that “Breaking Up With Busy” is a book that you needed to write. So before we get into talking about the nuts and bolts of the book, why don't we talk a little bit about your story and how you got to write like a very important book like this?
YT: Well, yeah. You know they say write about what you know so that’s what I did and it was kind of ironic. I was so busy teaching everyone how to live a vibrant life and a healthy lifestyle, that’s my business. That’s what I’ve been doing for a long time, that I didn’t recognize my own signs of being too busy and over-scheduled and it ended up landing me in the back of an ambulance on the way to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack when in fact I was having a panic attack. Thank goodness it’s the only one I’ve had, however, I have to say a great empathy for people who’ve been through that experience because all of the signs and symptoms in a panic attack do feel like you’re having a heart attack. And it was enough of a wake up call for me and say, “You’ve got to take your own medicine at this point, you’re teaching people how to find balance and create vibrancy in their life, now it’s time to turn that lens on to yourself” and so I considered it a blessing and it was a great opportunity to not only find solutions for , which were solutions I’ve been sharing with my own clients for years, and I organized those solutions and practices, mindful practices, in to this book “Breaking Up With Busy”. And now I have allowed it to be, you know, reach a wider audience. People that I know, that are getting great benefit from it. So I consider it a blessing.
NL: I know, well I know how you start the book off, I’m so busy, it seems to be the, when people ask you how you are, this seems to be like a natural response for people now. What do you think is the problem with us doing that?
YT: Well, busy is, I would say busy is very seductive in that it gives us that false sense of feeling like we're important. And we have to just back up a little bit and recognize that when other people are doing things and we're a part of that group, we start to do the same things and that's what keeps that ball rolling. And now, it's so that I gave busy a sign trenched in our culture that it's just the norm now. And economies rise, time becomes more valuable because we try to push more into it and so then it becomes scarce and it becomes more of something we want to hold on to, we don't want to waste it so we use as much as we can. So that's part of a piece that has gotten in there. And so it is a very layered kind of thing that's happened but at the core of it, this idea that if we're busy then we must be important because we got a lot to do, you've got a lot to do, I've got a lot to do, we understand each other. And I always say that leisure is now considered the new lazy which is really interesting because at one time we're all trying to get some pieces of leisure in our lives and now we see that it's just a waste, not all of us, but there's this kind of overlay to it that, "No, I'm not going to waste my time, I'm going to use my time", we've forgotten now how to create that balance, I think, very much so in our day to day lives.
NL: Yeah. Now I can completely relate. I realized that at the end of last year when I looked at my Mind Movie that I really haven't achieved a lot in my movie. And I'm like "Wow" and I had all been struggling with all these different projects not really getting anywhere on them. And I kind of realized, I felt more important talking about them. And seem to be okay with not being able to achieve them and so I kind of dropped everything and focused on one thing to be able to move forward. So it was a big deal. And the thing is you are right. We talk about busy in a sense of a way of being able to connect. But it is not necessarily the way that we can live a life that is stress-free and that we actually can get to achieve things.
YT: Yeah. If we’re busy, we’re very much so distracted. You make a really good point Natalie in that you decided to focus on one thing. There’s this idea that if we are busy or we’ve got all these other things going on, that we must be having, that we are really using our time valuable. But what we forget is that multitasking doesn’t work, the brain cannot differentiate between two similar tasks at one time. We’re going to get a lot more done if we focus on one thing at a time and we won’t make anywhere near the errors and we’ll actually enjoy and remember what we’ve done rather than going “Did I do that?”
NL: And, you get the opportunity to be mindful while we do it. So what is your definition of being mindful as we go in through our day?
YT: Yeah. Go back to that one thing that we always think about. Mindfulness is at the moment. And when I tell, when we talk about being present, that's always something that people say "I can't do that". None of us can do it, sustain it, moment to moment to moment. Perhaps some people can but the mindfulness is the consciousness of bringing yourself back to the moment, especially in times of chaos or discord. It's the most important thing that we can do to bring us back to that moment where we can go "Okay, this is what's happening at this moment. This is what I'm going to deal with right now." It's when we get out into the future, we start worrying about the what if or way in the past when we start thinking about all the things that we should have, could have done. When we can get those two things separated and come back to the moment and deal with what is in front of us, that is a sense of being mindful. And there's something that needs to occur for that to happen and that is we have to nourish the brain and the mind in a quiet way. Quiet to the mind is like healthy food for the body and they are all connected so this is the biggest piece, to be mindful is to give it a proper nutrition to do so. And that simplest way we can do that is through meditation.
NL: Yeah. I agree. So when we’re talking about busy, it’s interesting, it doesn’t seem to be the same definition for men. Now, I know that you’d mentioned before that men are getting a lot out of the book as well, but it’s like women, we seem to have this whole other version of what busy means.
YT: Well, there’s a couple of reasons for that too. There’s, as I said, the economics of it are a really important part of it. Two thirds of women working outside of the home have school-age children that they are caring for. We also know, thankfully, much more on the news now, that women make about .80 on the dollar that men are making for the same type of work and if you’re a woman of color you can move that down to about .63. That’s another concrete piece that we’re dealing with. And we still take on 80% of what’s called non-paid work and that is everything that happens to keep our home life, our private life going. We’re still women, we are still handling most of that. So when we back up a few generations and we said, we wanted it all, we can have it all, and we started moving in that direction to create that, we forgot that one piece that, yes, we’ve got the career part down and we’ve got that family part down, the piece that we forgot about was the personal wellness and that’s the fuel, that’s what keeps things going as far as we got to take care of ourselves first. So men, there’s a difference with men, and we can learn from this, they have no problem saying, often, this is a generalization, I’m going to the gym, I’m going to play golf, I’m going to do x, I’m going to run, whatever it might be, and there’s no guilt attached to them taking that time and for some reason, we as women, and again, this is a generalization, we will likely say, because we come from that nurturer position, okay or we’ll say “OKAY”, whatever our okay might be but happens is, that happens about 15% more for men every week than it does for women. So they are getting about 15% more of leisure time through taking care of themselves, so I say we can learn from that, we can learn how to say that healthy ‘no’ and create those boundaries.
NL: Absolutely. Now you use the term in the book called OSW. What does that mean?
YT: OSW, over-scheduled woman. And it's usually, we're well intended, I have that kind of get-it-done-attitude, not kind of, we have that get-it-done-attitude, do it right, do it the best, be in there, make it happen, and then do it again. And kind of, there are 10 signs in the book but one of them that really pops out quite often with women is that we often ought to put ourselves at the end of the list or an optional comma, say, so that we can take care of those that are in our lives that we love and are in an intimate relationship with. And additionally, the things that we once enjoyed, start to become a burden, they just become one more thing that we have to do on our list. And these are just a couple of the signs Natalie, that, we can say "Hmmm, priorities are off here" because it is necessary, it is valuable, and it is important for us to set those boundaries so that we can take care of our personal wellness and sustain and flourish our lives in a meaningful way.
NL: I agree. And the thing is, then we start to move into a place of resentment. We don't want to go there.
NL and YT: Laughter
YT: And that goes back to what we were talking about earlier too is that we start to focus on the outside, what the result is of our decisions. That we bring ourselves back to the moment and I would say, "Listen to what your heart has to say, it will always tell you the truth." and that's why that space of time to be quiet, take a moment even 1 minute, check in with how you're feeling, and blaming someone else for how you're feeling will never allow you to move from that. We just have to turn it in and say, "Okay, that's how I'm feeling." Now how am I going to find that solution or feeling, a different way, the way I want to feel and what is that? So it's that conversation with ourselves.
NL: Yeah, because that’s used to be a trap that women fall in to. And I think in the book you talked about 4 different types of traps that OSW women fall in to. So, what are those?
YT: Well, one of them is the big one and that's the over-giving. Just the constant over-giving and I always say if you're in a position of over-giving because, and people have a hard time with this sometimes when I say this, but when we're over-giving are we really giving from a place of the true intention of being helpful, we can tell ourselves we are. Typically, what we're doing is we're making ourselves feel better by doing that. And what we forget is the other side of that equation. And that is the receiving side of that equation. When we're always giving, we are taking away from someone else that fantastic feeling that we have when someone says "Thank you so much" when they show gratitude to us. So over-giving only makes ourselves feel better, it might help in a temporary situation. And it is an important gesture, I'm not saying that people shouldn't be of generous spirit, mind, and soul but the over-giving, the constant giving, we have to back that up and say "Hmmm, what's behind that for me and am I really allowing that relationship to expand by sometimes giving and sometimes receiving." And that's a big one that the over-scheduled woman gets herself in to. Again, it's that I-can-get-it-done attitude, I can take care of everything, and if we're taking care of everything, guess what, everybody's going to pile everything on to our plate.
NL: Yeah. I know, my new motto, a mantra, for this year, "is just because I can, doesn't mean I should".
YT: Perfect. I think I talked about that in the book also, just because, well we can, doesn't mean we should. And that's a really interesting point too is because if we take one situation, this would be a way to be mindful as well, is if you're in the middle of something and you start to get that well, that feeling inside where you start to think and feel, this doesn't feel good, it's what I call "flagging your feelings", switch the sentence, I should go to that function, or change it so I could go to that function. And just see how both of them feel because now you've given yourself permission to say I've got a choice here. Take the shootout, implant the good and see how it feels.
NL: Yeah. Now, I absolutely love what you say about the over-giving. My girlfriend, Lisa Nichols, talks about how, because when we work in an industry like this, this is what we do, and it's not just what we do, it's who we are. And she said, if you look at the cup on the saucer, and the cup is full, she goes, even there, that's not where you want to be giving from, you want to be giving from the overflow, you want to be giving from the saucer because the thing is, we need to have our own energy, we need to have our own energy source so that we are able to then be able to do that. And so do you give any tips on how to receive in the book? Because that also seems to be a really big issue for women as well.
YT: Yeah. That's why I love the cup and saucer. That's beautiful and it's so true. And that the message there is that we have to care for ourselves first. Yeah. Again, it goes back to boundaries and we have to kind of ask ourselves, I talk about the need-want connection which is really important to define what is it that we want, what do we need to get to that want and the most important question we can ask ourselves is what will change and how will we know if it's changed? And that gets us in to touch with knowing where we're at within that moment. Again, setting boundaries is the most important way, healthy boundaries, and I would say boundaries are like the handrails on a staircase, everybody feels better when they're there. So I think, first of all, if we can establish that in our own mind, that this is the time where I'm in union with people in my life. I am sharing my life with these people. I feel really uncomfortable, acknowledge it about being vulnerable and not getting things done. That's a question we have to ask ourselves where that's coming from for us as women. And then, I will say, start with your inner circle, the people that you know love you no matter what. It doesn't matter what mood you're in, what you're going through, those are the people, they're your soft warm blanket in life. And start with trying out that healthy "no", that boundary you want to set and ask them, share with them, this is uncomfortable with me and I need you to help me with it because I was trying to set better boundaries and I know when I do that I will have a better sense of myself, I will feel more fulfilled and our relationship, also, will be more gratifying for each of us. So that's the win-win on that and I've never seen an inner circle person say no to that. When you start to get out into the other realms of friendships and relationships then yes, but stay with that inner circle. That's your soft warm blanket.
NL: Yeah. Well, Brene Brown in her latest book, “Braving the Wilderness”, she mentions how that the happiest people on the planet are the ones that fit the healthiest boundaries. So you know.
YT: Absolutely, I would agree with that 100%. And many of us don’t learn it early on. Many of us, especially us women, we grow up, be nice, get along, don’t make waves, smile, and so we get that just entrenched in our thinking and trying to break out of that. Make waves, disrupt, do it with compassion and respect. That’s what it’s about.
NL: Absolutely. Yvonne, thank you so much for joining us today. It's been great chatting with you. So “Breaking Up With Busy’, how, where can we send people to get, contact you or get their hands on the book?
YT: Thank you. Yes. Just go to my website, yvonnetally.com, and everything is right there. You can order the book straight from the website.
NL: Great. Awesome. Well, thanks again, Yvonne. Great chatting with you.
YT: Thank you…
NL: Now I encourage everyone please share this video. You can do that by clicking the Facebook and the Twitter share buttons on the page. And you can either click the banner to the side or the link underneath the video that goes directly through to Yvonne’s website to get your hands on the book. And after all of that is done, click the link below that so that you can download the free ebook version of my bestselling book “Never In Your Wildest Dreams”. So until next time, remember to live large, choose courageously, and love without limits. We’ll see you soon.